I asked myself this question the other day because as I read my own blog, I thought, WOW you are either bitter or angry, maybe even both! I needed to be honest with myself and the answer was- yes, I am angry. I am angry about many things from the past, very angry in fact.
Anyone who has endured much of the things that I have, I believe would feel no differently. What does not help is those disappointments and unrelenting heartbreaks are so close to the surface, yet we go through our lives day to day not really thinking about it anymore..believing it is the past.
I am here to say that for me, it really isn’t, it is as close to the surface as it can get. How I know this is due to a process called self-preservation. Which I can describe for me to be about ensuring I do not allow anyone to be abusive toward me ever again, to make sure that I do not associate with anyone who has displayed an abusive nature.
I do not play well with those whose first love is money and power. Immediately one’s mind may go to a politician or some sort of profession. However, I am really talking about ordinary people. Some “ordinary” people wield power in different ways, it might be in the office, a boss that never asks, or says would you or could you please..instead may just slam things on your desk and demand a time frame for it to be done. It might be a spouse who is verbally abusive and goes out of his or her way to humiliate you, it could be a friend who never misses an opportunity to let you know that he or she is doing far better in life than you are..it could also be a child abuser and/or an animal abuser, depending on which one they have.. children or animals.
It could be someone who refuses to take no for an answer..and just pushes and pushes..by saying no, you are making them feel powerless, thus they relentlessly call and call if you have hung up on them..or if you have for example..requested they no longer contact you, will continue to do so..a lot. Just a few examples that I consider to be traits of an “ordinary” person who is in love with power (and control).
Money, we all know those whose first love is money; in my opinion, they are the ones that constantly flash it..talk about what they have bought (always pricey items), vacations, boats, cars, toys, and everything else. Generally, you know how much their mortgage is, how much their car cost, how much private school for the children cost, how much their jewellery is worth, and what they make a year, or a week..whichever they carry on about. They generally pick friends whom they deem to be less fortunate..because let’s face it if they hung around those who made as much, whether they made it known to everyone else or not, it would be a challenge for them to brag..now wouldn’t it?
Those are the sort of people I just can’t stand to be around. I am not intimidated by anyone in power, I am not jealous of anyone who lives well and I surely do not feel inferior by either. What I do feel is a sense of disgust at the behaviour..period.
This is NOT to say that everyone who holds high professional positions and makes excellent money is lovers of money and power first, or at all. There are many people who are definitely financially secure with a powerful position in life who are compassionate, loving and caring.
I have lived well, and I have lived on an excellent income, and I never demanded anything from anyone, I never bragged about what I had, in fact, I preferred that no one knew. I was generous, usually anonymously, and sometimes not so much, especially if anyone needed help and came to me for that help, I always helped. I never felt I was better than anyone else and I never treated anyone as if I were. BECAUSE I WASN’T. Money does NOT make anyone BETTER in ANY sense. The only thing anyone should judge on is who they are as a person, nothing else.
When I mentioned that my bitterness or anger is generally close to the surface, I did so because I have seen myself in action (obviously). I do not tolerate blatant disrespect towards myself or my loved ones..ever and I am not ashamed to admit it. I do not deserve it..no one deserves it..not an ordinary person.
Yes, there are crimes committed that we may make comments on that are disrespectful, but it is because of what they have done, this is not what I am talking about when I say that no one deserves it.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the “watch” for things with people that I know I just can’t handle or accept..but in thinking about that, I will say..no, I am not. I am myself when I meet someone, I expect them to be as well, I do not pre-judge anyone, I do not look for bad things, when I have decided that I like them, I just enjoy them for who they are. Basically, as best as I can describe it, it is when they feel comfortable enough around me to be themselves that I will know who they really are, which naturally occurs when you spend a great deal of time with them.
When I see dominating behaviour or a love of money & power..I’m instantly disappointed. I know that my sense of right and wrong can not tolerate that in my life..been there & done that..and those feelings of anger resurface, the ones I thought were in my past..and I must wash my hands of the situation with those people. I will have nothing to do with them.
It might sound as if I think I am really something special..that couldn’t be further from the truth..but what I am is honest, especially with myself. I can not feel and be content in MY life if I allow myself to be surrounded by those who pretend to want to see you do well, while praying that you don’t, by those who use you as their sounding board, yelling their vile profanity and hate, by those that want you to feel defeated by letting you know how far you must go to reach their level (they measure success by money &power)..by ANYONE who isn’t a “friend”.